Immediately a potential problem presents itself. Exemplifying this problem are the various subcultures in which people try to affect the idiosyncrasies of different cultures. This is always done to remarkably poor effect. Exemplary in my experience is the american “otaku” subculture. I will refrain from elaborating too much on this subject and let the next few sentences summarize something that probably has more far-reaching implications.

Otaku, in my experience, tend to adopt the mentality and behavioral patterns of 1) their favorite characters in manga, movies, and anime, 2) what they perceive Japanese culture to be like, usually focusing on either historic or pop culture as portrayed to them by movies, books, animes, and manga, and 3) do so in such a way as to offput most casual observers, irritate those who wish to befriend them, and/or come off as entirely pretentious in their nature.

So, in order to successfully craft one’s life, one must avoid assuming behaviours as mere pretense. Success is indicating by adopting this into one’s very nature and permanently (or semi-permanently) altering ones behaviour. True permanence is not desired: just as an artist often goes through transitions in technique, style, medium, and subject, so too will our perceptions of a desirable nature.

My experience with attempting this has been lifelong. Perhaps I’m inclined toward the task of crafting one’s life because I view my nature as malleable and I’ve never been totally compelled toward, or capable of, simply accepting social/societal/cultural demands.

So on to my real subject.

The fraternal adage goes “wine before liquour: never sicker.” Thus the problem with repression and the current demands placed on myself behaviourally arises. How do you balance being selective in your speech and your inclination toward repression… without the latter becoming a manifestation of the former?

With great difficulty.

It’s much easier to remove your inclination toward repression and being selective in your speech. It turns out, as you probably didn’t know until right now, that your thoughts and speech don’t have to be parallel or simultaneous! Imagine that! And by easier, I mean less time consuming by a period of months or years. Figures…

However, I can express a great degree of success in this endeavour in the timespan between this and my last post. I attribute any success to giving the task cognitive recognition and activity. It also fulfills my list (upcoming post) of persona attributes and goals. I say what I think whilst more often giving consideration to the effects of my speech. This does not mean I will not say something if it might upset somebody, though. This means that I will consider what the effect of upsetting might be them on our interpersonal situation and their intrapersonal landscape.

While doing this, I’m removing anxiety caused by not saying and not doing things because I no longer worry about the anxiety they might pose or the uncomfortable situation that might arise. I will learn from all of what happens, and the next time I add my statement to the mix, I might know what the reaction will create. If things get fucked up in the process, I can accept that. I’ll just try to avoid fucking things up… provided I don’t want them fucked up, which I usually don’t.

By removing said anxiety, I’m removing any necessity for repression. If the automatic behavior occurs given a set of parameters, change the landscape so that said parameters do not occur. Makes sense to me.

This might seem like a non-sequitur. It’s not. I’ve spent so much time trying to bend, twist, curve, jump, duck, and dive through the landscape that has been created by the collective we call “society.” For me to actually do this required the old Orwellian double-think, and thus stepped in Repression- stage left.

At first I thought this was just weakness on my part, and to some extent it is. I couldn’t overcome the reality of cognitive dissonance, and thus was found my Achilles Heel. For so very long, it didn’t occur to me to stop trying to conform because the option was never presented to me. You might think that amidst the radicalism and philosophy I’ve immersed myself in, non-conformity would have found itself present. You’d be wrong. Anarchism, communism, veganism, capitalism, fascism, radicalism, reaction, metaphysics, ethics: all of these are just different ways to conform.

What happens when you can’t successfully conform to any of them? Most people try to piece them together in various combinations. Thus is born anarcho-capitalism, radical fascism, and any variety of combined isms you could ever fancy. If that doesn’t work?

Well, if that doesn’t work, most people would say you’re screwed. You’re not. The alternative just isn’t usually a lot of fun.

If you can bend or blend, you strike out on your own. Alone. And thus I came to where I am.

My trial was the attempt to conform. On the pedestal, the jury of my psyche has declared me guilty, and thus unsuccessful. Relationships, acquisition of necessities, modes of thinking, and all I know up until now has been unsuccessful. Now I am exiled into the travails of my own creation, and a lonely exile it is indeed.

There are a few trails out here in the land of travails that I’ve been able to follow. One of them is polyamory.  Oh, and I managed to procure a compass out of the works of Nietzsche, Bakunin, Jung, Waite, and Regardie. At least relationships and thoughts have a general direction to go. The realm of a new form of emotions might be one that I never stumble upon, lacking knowledge or signposts. But here I am. I just keep hoping that there will be a few people that voluntarily join me in my exile. Maybe then there will be a new civilization created from the ground up, based on new ideas and new principles that are actually intelligible, or dare I say, beneficial!

As for the things that I’ve been doing that are so contrary to my personal psyche, I expect a lot of people to consider or express criticism. Things like monogamy, attending college, engaging in endeavors that hold no personal interest to me, being polite in conversation and expressing tact instead of being bluntly direct. These have been my inconsistencies.

And as for how they’ve damaged me? Well, I haven’t been myself. A lot of people that like me quite a lot like me for that selfsame self, and for quite a while that self has been absentee. But the jovial and lighthearted attitude that I feel I manage to convey while also being direct, scrutinizing, insightful, and constructive/deconstructive has been locked far away in the deep recesses of my mind.

Now it’s time for me to get back to work and remake myself from the ground up, building with components that are me rather than the ones people want to add or remove from me. It’s time that I be inconsiderate, blunt, rude, impolite, time that I make jokes of the most serious matters at the most inappropriate times, to upset, upturn, and upend everything around me in a crazed attempt to create internal consistency within myself and those around me.

How do I propose to do this?
Simply.
I’m going to remake myself.
From the ground up.
Dream of the possible.
Reshape my psyche and persona both inward and outward.
Embrace perceived inconsistencies and try to figure out what the link amidst it all could possibly be.
I’m going to do that which so many are too afraid or too stupid to attempt or comprehend, and I’m not going to be humble about it, either.

It’s time that I stop playing to the tune that the puppeteers and sheep want me to and start making the tunes myself.

The question is: who’s with me?

(Anybody?)

(I’m so tired of doing this alone….)

However, more specifically, my darling and I have decided that we are going to design 2 houses for ourselves. One is for if we become affluent, the other is for less affluence. These are longterm projects, and combining them with the hopeful ideal of a commune would be difficult. I myself and genuinely torn between the two concepts and am trying to reconcile them.

Many may find this situation to be familiar to them. I am a bit up in the air with what I want to learn and what I want to do, so I’ve given myself definitive goals. I want to start the commune. I want to build a house. I want to expand the advocacy program. I want to learn carpentering. My darling, on the other hand, wants to go into research for the National Institute of Health (NIH) in Hamilton, Montana. I’m from a big city. She’s from a small city. Hamilton is not a big city (though from what I understand it isn’t a small one, either). So, how am I supposed to reconcile all of these desires, grad school included? Je ne sais pas.

As for subject two of this blog, another thing to reconcile is the fact that I don’t really know how to take care of sick people. They kinda have to tell me what they want. Annnnd…. my darling is sick. Flu sick. Could be swine-flu. Fuuuunnnn.

And last, but not least, a bit of silliness. No silly songs with Larry, the idiotic jesus-loving cucumber lunatic desperately in need of lube….. Nah, just a bit of silliness. It turns out that the concept of me liking the Telle-tubbies is such an abstractly difficult concept to comprehend that it is capable of causing existential crises. Good tihing I have no fondness for any of them (except for the exiled fairy).

Well, I bid you adieu. Au revoir.

One can not really say what this sort of thing is going to be about, especially when your intentions amount to desiring to speak, show, demonstrate, and think. But since my intentions are as simple as such, I cannot guarantee you will read anything interesting.

I’ve also failed 3 other blogs. Yes, that’s right, I failed at blogging. But here I am, trying again once more.

You can expect pictures, stories, instructions, videos, and projects. If you come and find something interesting, I recommend you come again.

So, farewell fellow dreamers: for that is what you are, whether you know it or not, whether you like it or not, regardless of how it feels: everything you know is wrong.